My way of life

AUDTION

2007-01-31T21:29:00.000+08:00

wah lan. I overslept.

teachers make me quarrel wif my parents. nb cb knn. Wah lan eh. dono what happened to me sia. I miss my freedom, I miss my life. I miss FIONNA.

I overslept today. was damn tired, sigh. I put mon aeroplane sia. She confirm v angry. I din even call her. wah shit man. Sigh. really damn ps.

Anyway. Im expanding. Im growing fatter. fuck sia.

JUST FRIENDS

2007-01-21T00:40:00.000+08:00

and we'll be just friends.

Sorta, somehow. I'm feeling better. More sensible, more logical.

Can't really think straight, but still figuring out what to do.

I'm fine. I'm really fine. Don't worry.

Fought with Leonard. How self-obsessed can someone be? Sigh. This world..

back on track

2007-01-19T18:20:00.000+08:00

We broke up. It was .. umm.. not horrible?

I'm ok. Cos' I've found better. LOL. I can do better (:

IM ALRITE (:

2007-01-15T15:10:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling much much better today (:

Quarrelled wif Ah Bee ytd. Sigh. STILL so many girls flirting him. OH WELLS. WHAT CAN I DO? Sigh. Ting, I really miss u ALOT. You can never imagine! But I know, our split will be good for the both of us. Cos' we both can concentrate on our work and then who knows, one day we'll be like how we used to again.

Anyway. I'm perfectly alright today. Ate alot. I ate like wholemeal bread with chocolate spread & one chicken bun & FOUR cookies! OMG. and milo. Then during recess, I drank Ribena, and ate 2 siew mais! OMG. I ate alot today. Sigh. I must stop!! HAHA.

Mdm Feena says Im too thin, I have to start eating more. She said I look really pale today. Perhaps it's cos of all the crying that drained out the happiness in my face. Well, I'm gaining them back now (: Cos' I've finally thought over everythin. Anythin in the past, let it go. I have alot of assignments comin up. I gotta think properly, choose the right path again. I can't afford to give up anythin or sacrifice anything now.

Ah Bee will be fine. We will be fine. Just no more nonsense. No more depression, no more emotional ups & downs, no more mood swings. Just me. Be myself. I am STRONG! (:

Church

2007-01-14T01:44:00.000+08:00

I thank God for everythin that happened today. Sad or happy, I still thank Him.

He can never understand or love me more than anyone else would. I was feeling very depressed again this morning. Just that my tears were dried up. So I couldn't cry anymore. I shared with my cell bout the things on my mind. Everyone was disappointed and they almost broke down.

I'm really sorry that I've hurt them again. After talkin for so long, I finally realised my problems & mistakes. I've made my turn back again. I'm back with my cellgroup, my church, my family & most importantly God. I'm so lucky that God has given me this beautiful big family in the church.

Before cell, there was this aunty that came to me complaining bout the church and all. She bragged and boasted about her wealth & her standard of living. Sigh, I was just entertaining her. Jana was tryin her best not to laugh. I realised the sadness in this aunty. I think that she is just so depressed that she went mentally berserk. HAHA! Perhaps her son left her and didn't give her any money. How sad. So I went out to talk to her again and found myself stuck in between an uncle & two aunties. They were debating bout their lifes experiences with God and stuff. I couldn't listen or understand more, so I left. How funny. LOL.

Anyway, I had a good talk with Raymond. I'm so glad we understand each other more and have more things to talk about now. Rather than that world, rather than the boring old stuff we always bring up. I also met my bf for just awhile after his 'meeting'. Sigh, I somehow feel his friends don't really like me cos of the Yuting incident or whatever reason which is truly and totally unfair. Whatever, I don't really care. Pls, I don't giva damn. HAHA. He is sweet. Really. My kinda guy. Well, probably for now (:

Good nite! Fionna loves her family and YOU.

UR GONE

2007-01-13T01:45:00.000+08:00

My sisters, you're all gone. You've all left me.

So what do I do? I've spent many days cryin all the way. Cryin my days away. Just sitting there, staring into space and thinkin and thinkin. Ah Bee is so worried, he thinks I might do stupid things or might even die.

I won't. I just don't know why. My sister just talked to me. She feels I'm not changing at all, I'm still the same. She said it hurts to see me like this. I'll show her. My jie gave up hope on me. And now, my sisters, giving up one by one. Leaving me. I can never be so depressed. Everyone's going away.

I have nothin much to say anymore. I've made a really big sacrifice. And that sacrifice is for you. My boyfriend, my Ah Bee. I'm willing to do anything. I'm willing to sacrifice. I'm willing to walk with him thru it. Thru everything. I wanna be with him.

I dono whats wrong with me. I'm just hurt, empty, lost, depressed. I'll be ok. I hate self-pity. I'm strong. Right now I feel like a loser. Don't be. I'll never be.

SISTERS.

2007-01-12T14:00:00.000+08:00

Why did we split?
I thought we were close.
Did we do anything wrong,
Can you tell me?

We were happy together,
but now it has ended.
Not the way we wanted,
Never did we thought of.

Everything seems different,
on the surface we're good.
But deep down inside,
We can never be together,
Not now not anymore.

I'm sorry for the things,
Will you please hear me?
I've been reachin out to you,
but all you did was nothing.

You pretend to be ok,
but it just hurts us both.
One day I know we'll be fine,
I'll look forward to it.
I can never afford to loose you,
Now that I know I need you more.

I'll always be there whenever,
Or wherever you need me to.
I will be.
Always my sister;
I will never forget you.

10.01.07

2007-01-10T19:50:00.000+08:00

I really love u. Yes I do. & I swear I'd walk with u thru everythin.
I'd be there for u, I'll hear u. I'll always be with u. I'm with u.

I love u so much. Sigh. Really, I dono why. He's the only one that I really love. Whatever it is. I'm seriously under depression now. I'm gonna see a doctor soon.

HIM

2007-01-07T21:47:00.000+08:00

Perfect fairytale life?

Yes, It has definitely become what I wanted it to be like. Not to care bout anythin else, but yourself, your family and most importantly, what I wanna achieve in life. It's all a perfect fairytale life Miss Fionna The Perfect leads!

Well ok, church today. Pls, I have totally no comments. Don't talk about it. Uhhuh, went home. & then waited for that piggish idiot to wake up. But he didn't until like 5.45? And so I went to meet Qilah first. The bloody aunty couldn't recognise me, just cos' I was wearing like what.. shorts? Or was cos the sun hasn't set yet? Idiot. And so I couldnt get my cigs. 5 min later, Aisyah came to get it for me. THANK GOODNESS!

OMG! I didn't go down to meet him again. Cos I was super lazy. So I decided to stay at Qilah's place to watch The Devil Wears Prada. It's beautiful. The show. The story. Everythin. It reveals just a lil bit that we hafta know about the fashion world. Well, it's cool (:

I really can't wait for my picture to come out. haha. Oh yea, and Eden finally agrees with Qilah to pay up for the zippp that he 'lost'. Whatever, that faggot. Well anyway, I pointed out a cute guy, and it so happened to be Qilah's ex boyfriend, IMRAN!! HAHAHHAHA. We were all laughing till our heads dropped, rolling on the floor. LOL. So Eden waited downstairs to get his fuckin jacket & shirt back. Apparently, it was Ting's ex-bf's jacket. So I see, he accepts hand-me-downs. What a looser. Oh yea, and I 'had' a high risk of walkin home alone. So I got him to talk me on the phone till I reached home. And when I was in the lift it completely shut down. hahaha. low batt. too bad.

Well, he is cute. He wants to accompany me to the doctor this Thursday. He even wanted to fetch me from SCHOOL!! OMG. That is so sweet, but hell no. It makes me like a lil girl. Well, that's good. HAHA. Cos I seem so old. BUT STILL. HELL NO. Cos my sister would totally flare up. and become EMO. *ahem

Anyway, You've taken my heart away. First time I ever felt like this after a million years. OMG. Someone tell me to wake up. It's just a new beginning, to a whole new story (: There'd be more chapters to this fairytale.

ADDICTION

2007-01-04T23:36:00.000+08:00

I finished my photoshoot. Happily. Tiring day though.

Julius talked to me bout my ED. I was almost close to tears. I'm tryin hard. He told me to stop. Stop before I'm gone. GONE. No one hears me cry. My parents are finding out. Today was a happy yet stressful day.

My dad & I. Had some misunderstandings. It was horrible. It was awfully horrible. I went out to meet my sister, Aisyah skinny. Sigh. I miss her so badly. I understand her, and I'll be there to help her. She needs me. I will be there. I'd do my best.

I'm torturing myself. Yet I feel good & happy. I've sunk back to my old ways. Not too bad, but still, kinda. I'm falling, I'm dropping, I'm twisting and I'm turning. All in all, rotation, round and round. It never ends. At least I care bout my school work and so at the end of the day I get a cert. And I'd be happy enough. I'm glad though, that now I know. Safe me from myself.

Anyway, I was almost dead when I finished the photo shot. It's like something went inside me. Deep inside, and it took my life away. I was walkin alone, and was so depressed. I was almost dead. I walked and walked, until I reached this familiar place. One side, my church, the other side, my friend's working place. Wee Teck's working place. I decided to choose him. I called, but no one picked up. A cab came, and I took a ride home.

I flared up at him. and he found out everythin, everythin that Ting told me not to contact him and all. I'm so fuckin depressed. I can't explain myself. I just can't. Will someone hear me out. Will someone help me. Will someone take this shit out of me. I love my ED. Cos Ana is always with me.

It became so bad that my vomiting became yoghurt and fruits. My body consumes nothing but water. And my daily breakfast, lunch & dinner. My pills. I love you Ana but I hate you. I love you but I hate you. I love you more and I hate you more. You're still my best friend forever (:

Day 1 Of School

2007-01-03T21:57:00.000+08:00

I totally love my form teacher! She rocks.

She's the kind that is open enough to let her students speak up. She knows I'm in modelling, and she supports me (: She's already 29, but she looks like she's only 18. CAN U IMAGINE? She even has 3 children! OMG. HAHA

She wanted me to join drama club so badly, and I decided to go for it! She was so happy. HAHA. I can't imagine. I think my class is fine. I'd be able to click with the girls. Somehow, I feel there's a misunderstanding with Yu Ting, Joan and me. I mean, after all we're still sisters, close friends. I mean, we really should talk things out. I think its just a growing stage where everyone gets pissed. Esp girls. PMS-ing everywhere they go. HAHA. Even teachers!

I seriously miss 3B alot! A WHOLE LOT. Sigh, but it's alright. I think without distractions I can concentrate better. No more repeats of the past. I'm glad I'm happy in school now (:

I have a photoshoot for my new comp card tmr. It's so rush. 2pm I gotta be there. Monica says I have to do it quick, cos she wants to present it to her clients. Alright, so I'm getting it done. I have confidence it'd be good. But I just think I aint skinny enough. Ok, nvm.

Recently, I've encounter quite a few problems with my sisters. I just trust is just so important. Wee teck msgs me, and I don't reply him. I deleted his number, and then he msged again. & I got so pissed, I had to msg him back to ask who he was. If I didn't tell Ting bout this and she found out herself. Wouldn't it be worse? C'mon, I'm not tryin to boast to her or make it clear that Wee Teck msgs me on his own. I'm just tryin to make it clear that I've already done what she wants me to. But he just comes to me on his own. She got pissed. I mean, seriously. Think bout it. I deserve a certain amount of respect too. It may be a small thing, but my patience has got a limit. And if I can't handle it, it's gonna be over. I treasure our friendship, but this can't go any longer.

Obvious enough, Aqilah understands me better. Although she's grounded and her mom doesn't really like me now. Cos she was caught smokin and I lied to her mom that I didn't know. She got beaten up by her mom like crazy. I feel really sorry for her. I thought our friendship would turn out like crap from then onwards, but now, it's seems to get better. Much better, compared to the past. She's still the only one for me whenever I need a friend. She's always there. And I really love her. HAHA!

CHURCH

2007-01-01T02:32:00.000+08:00

church today. Was kinda happy. But in the end, it turned out horrible.

It was me.. Just me. Flared up at JY and then had a small fight with Ping. I mean, c'mon. Please don't keep categorizing me as the 'bad' one. Yes, sometimes I may have attitude. I know. I'm tryin to keep my cool. All the time.

Today, I really felt like going back to my old lifestyle. But I thought about the people who loved me, and the people I love. I can't afford to loose them all again. I've thought over it. I should see a doctor very soon. Ana, my best friend, has won over me finally. She is controlling me more than I can control her. She's my best friend. When no one is there for you, ana is there. Ana, I may love you. But sometimes, or rather, everyday, you put pain into me.. and make me cry.

I'm battling with this. But I know I can overcome it. Don't worry.

I met Aqilah, at bout 8pm . Her mom made me take home food. haha. yumm. . I doubt it'd go into me. HA! And then we saw Angella, from my school. and talked. A lil'. Aisyah, my sister, handcuffed and went off with the police. I should have took up my courage to talk to her. I should have. I regret. But I pray that God will change her. I don't wanna talk about it.

Hmmm, and then later on, we saw the malays at the bball court. We slacked there and played truth or dare. Had fun. Alip. or however you spell his name, had to kiss me on the cheek. and Haris, from my school had to kiss me on the forehead. Alip is cute. Ha. whatever. No I can't (:

NEW STUFF

2006-12-30T03:30:00.000+08:00

okay. So I finally packed my study area. Clean & tidy now. Finally. After many years. Piles of books, and so many layers of dust. No one can ever imagine how terrible it looked.

Finally, I got my new school bag. New jeans, new white socks, washed my school shoes, got my uniform prepared, bought black hair dye. Also, tmr I have cell group. I'm glad we're back as a cell group again (: I've given up on the cellgroup, almost all of us did. But now we're united again. I'm so happy!

It'd definitely be a new good year next year. Which is like.. one more day to go? OMG! I can't possibly imagine! How great! Thank God for everythin that He has given me and keeps giving me! It's full of surprises!

While cleaning up, I found my pri 6 diary. OMG. how cute! Goodness. and my sec 1 diary. (: Wow. I mean, what a big change. hahaha. ITS SO CUTE! I'm gonna be a normal secondary school girl, all over again. I can't wait! I thank God so much for all the opportunities given to me. Now, I've opened my eyes wide enuff. I'll grab all the chances. HA. Cos they don't always come.

As for modelling, I'll leave it to God. I mean, I can't do this on my own. I know God knows how much I want it. Really, I've decided to just let Him guide me. & make a path for me. I'll leave everythin to God (: He does wonders, like things you can never imagine! HA. My happiest day ever.

Whole new year.

2006-12-28T19:32:00.000+08:00

A fresh start (:

I'm so happy today. Well, I don't know why. HA. In such a long time, I ever felt beautiful. Hee. First of all, I'm supposed to get a new school bag today. But daddy was too lazy to bring me out. I'm gonna buy new bag, new slippers, new t-shirts, and new pencil box.

A whole new year. and a WHOLE NEW ME! Can you imagine? I'm really so excited for school. WOW. Can you guys believe it? (: I'm gonna get prepared and all. Wee` I'm gonna study study study. Cos' when I'm studying. I don't have to eat at all. YAY!

Eatin disorder

2006-12-26T19:03:00.000+08:00

I've finally opened up. I'm seeking for help now. Cos' I can't do this alone.

I've spoke to my dearest sister, Ping. I don't wanna be alone. She's getting better, so can I. I've finally got support. I'm battling this in within. I can do it. Sure I can. Don't worry bout me. Together, we can help each other out.

I hope.

I know Im not alone. I know there's help. There's help comin. But, when? Only when I agree to see a doctor. But, no. I have to overcome this thinking. I will. I will. Don't worry bout me. I'll be fine.

I've gained weight. Pls, no. I hate weight. I'm loosing everything, everyone. My friends, my boyfriend. Everything. All I want now, is to be alone. I wanna be alone.

XMAS!

2006-12-25T19:08:00.000+08:00

This year's the best christmas I had! After 15 years of my life.

Though I went off early and missed out on the games of the camp and the rest, I still enjoyed my christmas dinner that I had longed for after so long. I've enjoyed every moment of my time spent at home this Christmas and I can't thank everyone enough.

I'm so loved by my family & friends, and not forgetting the people around me. Also, don't forget Daryl. Finally, my cell group is improving already. After the camp. We've learnt more about fellowship & unity. We're stronger and growing up already. All of us.

This year's christmas, I will never forget. It will be a great new year (:

Merry Christmas everyone! I love all of you. MUAH!!

Daryl.

2006-12-24T15:17:00.000+08:00

God loves me. He had given many people who loves me, loved me & will love me.
He had shown me how to love, and how to love myself.

I believe in miracles. Daryl, I can understand you. Why won't you let me understand you. Let me hear you out, let me get to know you better. No matter what, I'll always be with you. I'm willing to walk this journey with you, and bring you back to us.

I've taken a step out of that circle, it's time you should. I need you, I need you to help me. To help you out. To help both of us, and everyone else. Come back to us. We still love you. I'm sorry about the past, if I've done anything wrong. I really hope you will know, we all care for you.

I just can't bare to see him like this. Why would he choose that path instead of God's love, where he can find true love & happiness? & a whole big family in church? We need to keep praying. Prayers work. Miracles happen. We just need to believe. We have to. I will never give up. Cos I really love Daryl. Just like how all of you have loved me, & never gave up on me.

TENEGA

2006-12-21T00:32:00.000+08:00

You guys won't believe or imagine how bored I am these days.

I woke up this afternoon, earlier than I would have. I didn't want to leave the house. Not even to meet Ting. I just felt like staying home. Since tmr is my camp already. I did not pack my bag until like just now. I just can't be bothered. Isn't it better if I just went there nude? uh.

Eden went to work today. Aqilah is still far far away from ME. horrible horrible. I was eating chocs non-stop and then I decided to go down for a walk. My walk to burn calories was delayed from 4pm to 6pm. I went down for awhile only. I climbed the stairs at my block several times & walked around the neighborhood. Just a short distance.

You can't and won't believe how quiet Tenega is now. It's as though someone just died. OMG. No, sorry! I was just thinkin too much. Due to misery, stress & loneliness. Then, I stuffed myself with chocolates again. & Dad cooked beef soup & veggies for me. He also made me eat some rice, which he claimed, was only a few spoons. It felt more like a whole pack of rice! Sigh.. and again, they did not digest. It flew out of my tummy. It's almost like 'hands-free' purging. Naturally, it comes out. It has to, no matter what, it still and HAS to come out.

Outta control. & Qilah not arnd to share with. How sad can I be? I was watching What I Like About You, my all time favorite comedy starring Amanda Bynes for like more than 3 hours. Maybe even 4. I was so hooked onto it. I'm gonna continue watching it when I'm back. ALL 4 SEASONS! OMG. Oh maybe just one more before I go tmr! HAHA.

I'm dead bored. Waiting for Noah Karim & Dean Karim to come back home. They are gonna buy cigs for me. I've waited since 2pm till now. It is almost 12 hours. They better get their asses home. Uh..

ADDICTION

2006-12-20T01:24:00.000+08:00

It's like your a drug.
I've came to you for help.
You've taken control of me now.
You will be forever.

I think it has taken over me. I don't recall anythin more that I ate. It comes out naturally. Nothing digests. Even vegetables. The only things I can consume is water, & yoghurt. I'm worried bout the camp. I don't want people to make me eat. I'd freak out.

I miss Aqilah so fucking much. She's always there for me. & now when she's gone. I feel so weird. I think I've fallen into depression too. These days are just turning more & more weird. I have no emotions. or ALOT. or no mood. or weird behaviour. I'm always so tired.

I've also survived my first day of step aerobics. I almost collapsed. I felt my heart beating extra super fast & I couldnt breathe. I thought I might pass out. But lucky for me, I didn't. Mom says I shoud switch courses. To Cardio Aerobics instead. I'm still thinking, if I should or not. Cos perhaps this will help me loose weight faster. I'm still a 46kg obese little kid. Sigh.

I dono. I dono , I dono. I dono if I'm anorexic. I can't be. NO, I'M NOT. I eat. but, I only eat yoghurt everyday. & the rest of the food. Goes down the toilet. I just can't help it. It doesnt absorb. Sigh. I am. I am very very afraid of growing fat if I didn't exercise for one day. I'm just so worried. I don't wanna put on weight during camp. I'm not anorexic. I'm not. Am I?

I feel that it has already taken control over my life. My life depends on it now. I've already given my life to it. It's taken my life away.

SIRLOIN STEAK

2006-12-18T23:40:00.000+08:00

Hey, I really love the pink cardigan I borrowed to wear from Qilah ytd. Sigh. I'm like busy wrapping chocs & sweets for Christmas now. Uh, tired. But I enjoy it. HAHA. Cos' I'm preparing it for people. And not eating them.. heehee.. I stole abit of them actually. LOL!

Diet pills have taught me how to purge. (naturally)
Diet pills have taught me not to eat.
Diet pills have taught me to drink buckets of water.
Diet pills have taught me to be in control of what I eat.
Diet pills have made me loose weight forever & forever.
Diet pills have trained my tummy to be stronger.
Diet pills have made me like this now.
I love diet pills.
I'm in control (:

I'd do whatever it takes, to be thin.
Thin is beautiful (:

BEAUTIFUL DAY

2006-12-18T21:54:00.000+08:00

I had a fun time at counselling. The counsellor was a nice lady.

I got a call from Mon again. I gotta go for the audition tmr. Well, it's a beautiful day. Tiring though. Qilah is going off alr. Now. She's going to Switzerland with her family. She wants me to go so badly. But, I really cant ): I'm so happy for her. She's gonna have a fun time over there! I love her so much.

She's my best friend. Forever, we will be (: I will never forget her. & all the things we did. All the crazy stuff. All the fun time. And most of all, all our memories! HAHA. She's one crazy chic. The craziest one ever !

I love everything. I'm appreciated. Everythin is.

MUCH LOVE. LOVE U QILAH*

MY WEIGHT

2006-12-18T14:02:00.000+08:00

My weight, I'm 46kg now [:

I don't know why. I just purged out every single thing ytd night before I went to bed. It wasn't on purpose. I'm training myself not to purge anymore. Sigh. I'm really worried bout the church camp. How am I gonna eat? Pls don't feed me fatty food. Pls don't. I'm really afraid.

Then how the hell am I gonna eat properly, like how I do everyday? They eat unhealthy. I eat healthy! Sigh. I need my yoghurt every morning when I wake. And then, it's alright for the rest of the day. Hunger pains, I can make them go away with tolerance & endurance. But at the end of the day, I must have at least a warm cup of green tea. Or fruits. Sigh. What am I gonna do?

Also, I don't want people copying my diet & being thinner than me! Uh! That's so unoriginal.

QUEEN OF THE DAMN-ED

2006-12-17T22:54:00.000+08:00

I've finally watched Queen Of The Damn.

We watched it at Eden's house, Aqilah & me. LOVED IT. HOW DO U SPELL SEX APPEAL? Stuart townsend.. HAHA! NONO. It's Letast. HA. Qilah was tryin to feed Jesse* a new line, " wait, before you bite me, kiss me!" And I was like, no! It's supposed to be, "before you bite me, lets have sex first". HAHAH! And Qilah was like OMG! HAHAHHA.

Well, it was cool. Definitely. I love that show. I LOVE IT. I've always loved vampires even when I was very young. I just love it. My mom says I'm sick in the mind cos whenever a blade cuts onto my skin, I enjoy the pain & the sight of blood. But pls, it's just a minor cut. NOT DEEP ONES & LIKE UR HEART DROPPING OUT. EW. Saw 3! EW!

HAHA. Then on our way home, cos I pulled Qilah's pink cardigan over my neck. A common style, but definitely not in Singapore. ALOT of people were like staring. Then this BANGLA winked at me. & kept looking. I almost beat him up.. FUCKIN IDIOT. Bodoh sial. So sad, we couldn't. Aww. what a pity.

After that, went over to her place to have dinner. Her mom feeds me well. HAHA. I ate like rendang & my fav fried rice. The last meal cos' she's flying off. and comin back on the... 26. HAHA. It's as though she'll be gone forever. SO SAD! Oh well. I must admit, it was the best rendang I've ever tasted. Serious! LOVELY. Well fed. HAHA. Scary. I'm hungry. But whenever I see food, I'm like so afraid of it. Qilah made me finish it. It was fuckin little to her. but to me, it's like OMG. PLS! Oh wells.

Jeremy commented that I slimmed down alot. He was shocked. Everyone is. HA. so what?
LETAST. I LOVE U! I'M YOUR QUEEN!!!!!!!

QUARRELLED

2006-12-17T01:02:00.000+08:00

Eden yelled at me over the phone. & he hung up.

I could change my emotions fast enuff. So no one at home found out. Not even Aqilah. I went over to watch Saw 3 with Aisyah & Qilah. It was so horrifying. It was gross. Plain gross. Yuk.

I'm getting thinner. I bought many things, many things that I like today. Went to century with mom & dad. & signed up for my aerobics course. It's this Tuesday. Yes! I'm overjoyed. I tried on dresses. Beautiful dresses. They suit me. Yes, they do (: Perfectly.

Also, Monica msged me. I have to go down for an audition, same thing. Tomorrow. Right after church. I guess I gotta miss the choir practice & also cellgroup. I gotta keep my career going on.

Eden and I are okay alr. We almost broke up. Nah, I don't want that to happen. Even though sometimes I might think bout it. Sigh. I'm tired. Very very tired. I'm 47kg now. Make me 90pounds. haha. Well, I'm glad I didnt look bad in the dresses I bought.

Nites people. I gotta wake up early tmr. See ya (:

EDEN'S CLASS BBQ

2006-12-16T00:07:00.000+08:00

Went to Eden's class bbq. So little people. But oh well, today didn't quarrel with Eden. Aqilah was around too. Quite a happy day. Sigh. I'm loosing control. I'm not addicted to anything, but my weight.

Don't be like me. I realised the people around me are falling into what I'm going thru now. They are becoming like me. Sigh. Don't try. It's never nice. I just need to exercise more. I'm loosing control. I can't take it. I'm just getting bigger. I'm so fucking frustrated!

I have an upcomin photoshoot. To make my new comp card. So stressed. I have to look my very best. Something very very different. Something more mature. Something more.. me. Something that will show who I really am. I have to loose more weight. I can't let anyone stop me. Or let anyone know, cos' they would start to force me. "

People don't understand. They don't want to understand. They don't want to hear me out. I was okay a few days ago. Eating like a pig, and then purging. I eat, cos you made me. But I wasn't okay after that. No body understands, cos I'm not skeleton yet. They don't know how important it is for me to be thin. I need to be.

AH LIANS

2006-12-15T13:23:00.000+08:00

Oh my goodness! I just realised that many ah lians nowadays, old or young, are getting uglier. And HORRIFYING! Their looks just scare people off. Maybe without their thick & terrible make up, it would be a little weeny bit better?

What happened to the pretty ah lians? I recall seeing quite a few before. When I was still hanging around. Sigh. What happened. WHAT HAPPENED?! Well ok maybe I'm the lucky one, my ex ah lian sisters were kinda pretty & not bad-looking. HAHA.

Well anyway, I saw beautiful dresses at bugis ytd. And I really wanna get them. I mean, I'm afraid I can't find that particular piece anymore. I bought the diet pills ytd. So I've got no money left. Gee. I was thinking, if a person is thin, and she grabs any clothes, she'll look pretty somehow. Yes. So don't worry bout that dress! BUT NO! I WANT IT . I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. I want that FUCKING DRESS. UH. It's just a pathetic 32 dollars!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe I can't afford it!??!??!

Julius was so worried bout me getting diet pills. He even called me up. But sigh, I already bought them. No one can stop me whenever I want something or wanna DO SOMETHING. I mean, It's me. haha. And yes, he knows bout my ED. Sigh.

I WANT THAT DRESS!

CRAZY

2006-12-10T20:17:00.000+08:00

I went crazy today. Just now. And got a whole lot from Eden again.

He fights with me everyday cos of food & weight loss. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to. At times I feel like giving up on life. Cos of loosing weight. Being over conscious. I shouldn't have. I'm fighting over this.

It's a battle that I'm going thru right now. I tell them all, don't fight with me over food. I'll be okay. I AM okay. But I'm not. I don't wanna sit in the toilet for hours crying everyday. I can't take it. At times I'm almost dying. I dono why. But I know I can pull thru. I can do it. Aerobics. This, won't make me fat (:

Fionna, be strong. Think. Think think. I'd just do anything to be thin. I will.

SLIMMING DOWN

2006-12-10T00:06:00.000+08:00

I realised, I aint fat.

I went crazy this evening. And got a full load of yellings & scolding from Eden. I still have more dumplings to puke out. I ate a whole salted vegetable dumpling.. EWW! Well anyway, remember, FIONNA YOU'RE NOT FAT.

Anyway. I feel like puking. Sigh, but I won't. I was almost crying like crazy today. I felt really guilty, gross & sinful. I mean, everyone thinks I'm abnormal. They think Im skinny enuff. But, I don't think so. I need to tone up more. That's all. Not, skin & bones. That's not beautiful. I must remember.

Dion allows me to slim down more. He said 3 months , I can do it (: Definitely. I will. Aim = 42kg by this Christmas. It's hard, but I will do all it takes. I will. I'm so happy Dion allows me to be skinny. XXXS. My goal. HAHA. I bought myself a pair of black 4 inch heels, $60. A white tee from M & S, $25. This beautiful hair clip from Korea, $22. I love mom. HAHA! She gets me what I need.

I met Eden just now. I'm so happy. Ha, he is my strength & support. I just wanna be toned & slim. That's all I ask for for this Christmas! HAHA. I will pray to God. I'll start skipping alr. I ran like 1.2km only.. hahha. in my living room can. Thru & forth. HAHA. so funny. Then my doggie thought I was mad. I think he is feeling better now. Lucky dog. haha.

Anyway, Aerobics, Diet pills, Skipping, Shape Mag, HERE I COME!!!!!!

FAT PEOPLE

2006-12-09T11:53:00.000+08:00

I have a new passion.

And it is to kill FAT PEOPLE. or people who try to make me FAT. or people who try to destroy me! or people who don't let me SLIM DOWN & LOOSE ALL THE FATS I HAVE IN MY BODY. I HATE FUCKING FAT RETARDS. THEIR ARSES SO SO BLOODY BIG THEY KEEP STUFFING THEMSELVES WITH FOOD FOOD & FOOD. UH. DISGUSTING!

MAGZ

2006-12-08T22:35:00.000+08:00

My mom bought me the very first SHAPE mag! I love it! AHH I love mommy~ haha.

Anyway, I also looked up on the diet pills & slimming cream. Really, mommy said slimming cream doesn't work! So, on second thought, I'm saving money, cutting down on cigs, & food so I can get those pills. Actually, I can get them alr. But, I just wanna cut down on food. HAHA. so yea.

I've checked bout those diet pills. Though it wasn't advisable. I'll just try them. Like consume lesser. If I really can't take them then I'll let my mom consume it. It doesn't harm anyone. HAHA.

Also, my dad decided to get SAM a partner. So this Sun, we're going to the SPCA to find him a soulmate. haha. Poor Sam, he is love sick. Poor lil' thing. Well anyway, tmr I'm heading to the Sauna with my mom. & we're gonna look for aerobics course also. So excited!

I've started exercising more & running alr. I just did. I feel good & light. HA! Lucky, I don't feel fat. Hmm. I don't think there's anymore to write about. Cos' I've already did at myspace. So u guys can go check out my myspace blog too. Seeya! MUAH!<3

GYM

2006-12-07T21:58:00.000+08:00

I went to the gym just now. 6-7pm. Wow. so many people I didn't see. They either became bigger or smaller. LOL.

For guys. they became bigger. & for the girl, smaller. nice (: In just one month.

Anyway, I saw a Shine model, a guy. The one I worked with for True Files. HAHA. So coincidental. & I saw Dominic Lim too. Ha. He was so shy. Well anyway, Im really tired. I can't work out as much as I did last time. Cos I will collapse. I know.

So yea, I like wanna faint uh now. Jialat. So I'm gonna pretend Im okay. Gonna watch dvd with my mom. See ya guys. tc.

U guys can check out my myspace blog too. Yep.

Waiting for Eden to end work. I miss him like crazy!

SUDDEN WEIGHT LOSS

2006-12-07T13:43:00.000+08:00

Shit. Everyone is noticing my sudden weight loss. I think I should be camping at home now.

Uh. I don't wanna die young. or die ana. I mean, pls. No. I just wanna be thin for once in my entire life. I weigh 102-105 pounds, & I'm 5'4''. I've found friends to help each other. So yea.

My boyfriend is so paranoid about me. He is working right now. I wonder how he is doing. I miss him so much. Sigh. He told me last night that his friends were like asking him how come just in a few short days I've already lost so much weight. sigh. Even he thinks so. What must I do, to make people forgive me. This will be the only way? It's a good way.

I didn't know I was underweight. Until I checked my BMI. I think it's because my weighing machine has a prob. My BMI is like 16.9-17.6. Oh well.I'm perfectly normal (:

Seems like every night I cry. I didn't mean to hurt Eden. I mean, I'm trying to deal with myself normally. But. Its hard. Every night I'm praying that girls who suffer from ana or mia don't die & don't come into my room to drag me along with them. I just have this fear. I'm so afraid. At times I just can't sleep. But, definitely, I know. I won't die like that. Don't die for a diet.

NEVER TOO THIN

2006-12-06T22:51:00.000+08:00

Eden quarrelled with me today again.

Just cos I went into The Primitive tattoo design shop. I met a new tattoo artiste, Jeremy. His work is good. I must say, somehow the designs Im lookin for. Rather than Aelvin's designs. Im sorry! HAHA.

Anyway, I'm eating today cos I realised that my metabolism rate will slow down. & I'll grow fat. So yea. I ate. & tmr I'm heading to the gym. And on Friday, gym & sauna (:

Eden thinks I look down on him & his frens & lifestyle. Seriously, I don't. I just don't like people wasting away their lives. When there's so much to do & so many opportunities.

Again, I'm dealing with myself very well. I CAN DO IT! Don't give in! YAY MAN.
I'm doing it right! I can do it (:

THINSPIRATION

2006-12-06T01:39:00.000+08:00

Never too thin ...

I finally understood how Eden feels. Was I being selfish?
Or was I just tryin to make things better for him. Was everythin going my way? Did I make him embarrassed? But I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't spend on purpose. I was just being me. I didn't know I would cause him to feel like that. Maybe I should just stop thinkin bout myself & think of how others would feel.

I'm dealing with myself. Properly. . . I don't need anyone's help. I choose it this way. & I'm learning to enjoy it..

TAKASHIMAYA FUNFAIR

2006-12-02T19:44:00.000+08:00

I just got back from the taka funfair. with my parents (: It was the funfair that I went to anually. Charity for the disabled in Singapore. We bought up to $100+ stuff. ha, so cute! I finally found my STITCH. & It came with the PINK STITCH! AHHH. I was screaming all the way. haha!

And then, I bought this bag that was handpainted by an artist, & a handbag that was sewed by old folks. Beautiful (: I also bought handmade keychains. They were all so beautiful. I appreciate stuff like that. The weather wasn't so hot. Previously, in the past few years. The weather was so hot, it was like sauna. HAHA.

I walked around Takashimaya, just mom & I. And I bought a Levi's Jeans. I can't believe it! I can fit into them! 26. OMG! I can't believe it. But I have alot more to slim down. I must be slimmer. HA. And then I saw this beautiful dress. It was gorgeous. I'll see if I can upload the picture up here. haa. toodles` <3

ANOREXIC/BULLEMIC

2006-12-01T17:00:00.000+08:00

I don't believe that I am / was anorexic. but I do admit, I was bullemic for a short period of time.

I can handle it. Don't worry. I'm fine. Just that these days I've been very sick, for weeks. uh, I'm still recovering. Then , I'm gonna meet up with Julius and the rest asap.

I'm gonna design a Christmas Card for Shine (: I've already planned what to write in it.
The cover is gonna be a picture of me. I hope I recover asap so my dad can take pictures for me. It's gonna be very plain, but all focus is on me. Yep, something very special & different from other Christmas cards.

I feel so dizzy now. Cos I just took my medicine. So I will be takin a nap soon. haha. tc ! (:

THERAPIST

2006-11-30T15:02:00.000+08:00

Somehow, at this stage of my life.

I have a strong need/requirement for a therapist. I feel that in little things that I've come across, I don't feel too good bout it. Perhaps its the past that scares me away.. Or probably cos of this double-life I am leading right now.

I speak my heart out. honestly, I feel that street kids are useless. They don't have a life. Whenever I remember that I am somehow their 'friend'. wait, nono. I mean, accquintance. I feel so bloody ashamed of myself. Please God, put me away from them. Far away. They don't deserve my attention or time.

I can't stand being with such people. I need a therapist. I feel like my brain is gonna explode. I have too many things on my mind. It just drives me nuts.

RUMORS

2006-11-29T12:27:00.000+08:00

wow. so much rumors.

Im so sick & tired of them. But Dion said it shows that somehow, I'm somebody alr. So deal with it, Live with it. I'll be living with it for a long long time. & I love what I'm doing! (:

MY PAST

2006-11-29T00:39:00.000+08:00

Issit really necessary for people to dig up my past?

I had fun today at the shoot for true files today. I met with Julius, Carl & another model from Shine. Had great talks with Carl & Julius. I really love Shine. & I can't thank them enough. I look forward to more opportunities to work with Julius again & Daisy (:

Eden came to Bishan MRT to bring me home. & then he went to meet Jason & Chee Seng. Sigh. He asked me this really personal question. I feel insecure now. Very. Though he didn't really mean it. It's not a joke that I can laugh about.

All I can do is think bout my future & what I'm gonna do next. & the people out there like my agency who really supports me. Of course, my beloved family also. I love them all. & I can't thank them enough.

To be with Eden, was something really special. I didn't know we would actually come till this day. It was sad, happy, exhausting, horrifying & weird. It just wakes me up. I'm really thinking more now. I have to grow up & I am (:

Here's like one of the picture I took during the set. HAHA. I was too bored, I ran to the back to have a chat with Julius & Carl. hee.

EDEN

2006-11-27T21:47:00.000+08:00

Mr Eden is now my boyfriend. 3 days ago.

Things were hectic. Everyone changed. But so what, I don't care.
I went for the shoot, 2h, today. For the last scene of Incredible Tales. It turned out like what I suspected. They didn't call up my agent to tell them. & so the pay can't be transferred. Uh. Phew, I dropped by Shine today. I brought Eden along. & Jude talked to him bout modelling. I really think he should consider it. He's got potential.

I mean, if he didn't have what it takes. I won't even bring him to Shine. That would be like, so embarrassing. HAHA. I know, I may be mean. But whatever. I have a shoot again tmr. This time, I will be PAID. definitely. Dion called me last minute. HAHA.

But its alright. I HEART <3 SHINE. & all of you guys! I love my life. haha

Talkin bout those boys. Like anson and all, I can't believe it. All jealous and stuff like that. & that pathetic lil girl, Jolene. Uh, pls, I don't want or need attention from people of that sort (animals). Pls, go ahead with ur AH BENG friends. I don't belong there anyway. I pity people like them. I have a life, so pls, get on with yours.

I smile, when I'm happy. I smile, when I'm angry.
I won't scream & shout at people. I don't waste my time.
I'd be me, & just keep quiet. Peace, is what I always have (:

PARKWAY POLYCLINIC

2006-11-24T23:03:00.000+08:00

Ting wasnt feeling well today. So was Eden. haha.

So I accompanied her to the polyclinic at parkway, Jocelyn came down too, with her lil cute friend. haha. Well yea, we were talkin about Jolene. She's tgt with Alex now. Well, expected. But what can I say? Is Alex serious? We don't know bout that.

Eden & I spoke. Well, more than just a few sentences. I've survived his continous torture. Or can I say, un-gentle treatment to girls. I'm lucky he didn't break my finger. We took a cab to vivo from katong. Chee Seng paid for it. He refused to let me share it with him. So.. well. haha.

Jolene and I were okay alr. I didn't say I didn't like her. C'mon, she's definitely thinking too much. Cut straight to the point, umm. Jason & group were there. My mood wasn't so good. Phew, Eden was nice. He was cool, & I was cool. Ting, she was tired. I could tell.

Awhile later, Eden brought this lil girl with us. Hougang Sec, she was only 14. & she smokes. I hope she wouldn't go too bad. ha. Anyway, they all went to sing Ktv at Chinatown. But we didn't go. I decided to come home. I made up my mind (:

Eden told me to smile more. If not I'd look fierce. I won't forget that. He was nice (: I'll miss him. ALOT. haa. On my way back from outram. I saw Nicholas Anson & group. And just when I reached BEDOK. They called for me to go back to VIVO. OMG. I was almost screaming my lungs out. NO WAY. Then they called again, for me to go to Tampines. NONO. And then later, Bedok. NO, Im not going. I didn't feel too good. So here I am now, at home (:

Home sweet home. haha. I miss my home man.

BBQ-to-PROB

2006-11-20T00:50:00.000+08:00

sigh. what a nice bbq huh.

At first while waiting for the bbq, eden came. We like quarrel sia. Can't stand him. Then in the end ok, then I joking joking say we best friend ma. haha. he is alright man, just that hot tempered. I figured out he still likes Yvonne alot. He is her exboyfriend. wow? Surprised. HAHA. & Alex is Vicky's ex. oh , wow.

Anyway. Today, I've got nothing much to say. But Shawnie, his face & eye kena the knife. Sigh. I'm so worried bout him & Nicholas. I dono what to do. I don't belong there anymore. It's not my life. I can't continue like that anymore. I really can't. I have to let go.

I like him, alot alot. More than anyone else. I'm very serious this time. Really, truthfully. I will love him more than anyone of my boyfriends. Not being very emo or 'lovey-lovey'. It's true, I will. And I definitely will. Cos it meant from the heart.

I'm Back

2006-11-17T19:11:00.000+08:00

I'm back home!

Went to Ting's chalet ytd. She was happy I was arnd. & I was happy she was arnd. Saw PJ & Jieying. sigh. C'mon la, they keep talkin bout the past. I brought Angella along & surprisingly she is Eden's mei. Ahyo.

Sigh. Eden commented that I was a 'fierce lady' to Angella. Uh, c'mon. He tried to talk , but I wasn't very much interested. Perhaps I have too much ego in me. HAHA. so typical of Fionna. Well anyway, he went home the earliest. The rest of us left at bout 6.30AM. Okay, I just realised today is a Friday. Whenever I ton I always forget the day.

HAHA. We had a good talk, Ting & me. Sisters forever (:

LOL. yea!JOLENE & ALEX somehow like magnets. uh, gross. puh-lease la.

HOME SWEET HOME

2006-11-16T12:14:00.000+08:00

I'm awake at 1030am. and I just could sleep no more.

I've realised it was due to the freezing temperature of the air-conditioner. Damn. I'm so bloody tired yet I can't get to sleep anymore. Mr Hao Ge & I were talkin on the phone this morning. From 12 - 2.30 I think. We talked bout so many stuff, hey actually. He is a nice person. Yes, I can tell.

He said I should go to the chalet. He understands, and he wants us to talk things out. Well, I would. But I don't wanna be humiliated! Eden will be there too. Okay, Fio, relax. Chill. The more I think of him the more I get excited. The more I get excited, the more I wanna scream & kill pple. So relax. I musn't harm innocent lifes.

God I pray that I won't be humiliated tonight. I pray that Ting will not be so not-very-nice to me pls. Amen. Wow. Big relief! I'm bringing Sandra along too. I remember, the old me. Whatever, I don't care. Now its, I'm being nice. Will you forgive me?

Big difference huh. (: So don't make me go back to my old self. Don't make me reveal what's inside. Don't make me scream & shout at you till you look like a dog. Don't make me make you act like a dog. Don't make me become a person you won't wanna know.

I really pray that people forgive me for whatever I've done. Forgiveness, thats what I need.

KILLING OF BABY LIZARD

2006-11-15T23:06:00.000+08:00

I just got home.

Went to Qilah's place just now. To puke. First day, ate like how much an elepant would eat. Then I couldnt take it anymore. I hadta. I puked. uh, I feel so much relieved now. Then we were in the dark. They were playing PS2. While I was on friendster checkin out Eden's testimonials. TEN PAGES STILL THE SAME TESTIMONIAL FROM THE SAME BLOODY GIRL.

C'mon, I didn't mean to yell. but hello, anyone else would! And how would he accept it SOO many times? Is he mad or what. Haa, talked cocked. Then we were like laughing like shit. Eden from Aisyah school ah. Wee`

Bern thinks I shouldnt care bout Ting alr. Since she doesnt bother to answer me. Oh wells, I treasure our friendship. I'll do all that I can. Anyway. I just got home. I hadta kill the baby lizard. I don't want it crawling on my face when I sleep. Like pls la. I can just kill pple!

So I killed it. Amazingly. I used my mom's magic mop. I'm never gonna use it ever again. its gross, I left it next to the bin. Hoping that my dad would clear it when I get up tmr. PLEASE.

UHH. GROSS. EDEN! what the hell. he is fatter now. with loadsa attitude. wow (:

oh yea. i better record this down. Next week, parkway. Tuition Centre. Typing .

SWIMMING

2006-11-15T19:03:00.000+08:00

Hey, I went swimming this afternoon with Sandra, nicholas, georgina & ernest. Ok la, didn't really swim that much. Then later on, Ernest accompanied me to parkway to take bus.

We met with Shawn, Eden & Alex. Then I decided to go find my Jie at her shop. Can you actually believe what I saw? Jie was with Kelly. I gave her the confused look. I mean c'mon, I need not speak with my mouth. My eyes tell whatever that I'm gonna say. Like hello?

I went out the shop with a black face. Ernest & Shawn kept askin me whats wrong. But I just wouldnt tell. I mean, I just can't believe it. I thought what Ting told me was not possibly true. But now I see it with my eyes. I msged her telling her that I think she has many things that she didn't tell me. So she called me, and she asked me where I was. We went for a smoke. & there Kelly is again. Why? Can someone tell me why? I'm not bothered bout it. but just, why?

sigh. whatever. Alex & ernest kept askin me to go to the chalet. I don't think I will. I sense something weird. I'm not being oversensitive. but the fact is, I just don't wanna created jealousy between my sisters. I mean , afterall we are sisters. I know they may be over-reactive & too sensitive & not very fair to me. But, I will choose to give in & let go. Cos' afterall, sisters are more worth it than boys. Of course, gotta choose the right ones. The good ones, I keep. The bad ones, I let die. LOL.

oh wells. Nothin much to blog about today. Just a normal day at home (: I miss home. haha.

I would love to stay home!

KFC AUDITION

2006-11-14T23:56:00.000+08:00

Hey guyss. I think I got the role for the KFC audition! (:

I was planning to go out to Tampines with Bern to slack arnd when I got a call from Monica. I had to head down to the place 111 Devonshire Rd just opposite Youth Park. I was so lucky I was able to find it. Glad. I thank God for all these opportunities given to me. So now, I've learned something new. I must go to every audition that Dion & Mon askes me to go to. Cos' its important.

Well anyway. Im tired. Tmr I'm gonna go swimming at Sandra's place with Nicholas, Ernest & of course. Sandra. I hope Qilah would be able to make it. Cos Georgina will be there. I'm sad. I haven't been out wif Qilah for so so so long. I miss those times so badly. Ugh.

Oh yea, good news. I've finally began talkin to Ping again. I used to be mean. But not anymore. I hope things will be okay with Ting & me. I really hope she doesn't over react like how she used to. Sigh. Girls Girls Girls. So many problems.

I've lasted for like 2days alr. I can make it! It'd last for 3 months (: & there will be a BIG BIG BIG difference . I'll be so glad. wee`

Long long ago . .

2006-11-14T13:25:00.000+08:00

Long long ago. .

My life seemed as though it depended on my 'jie & kor'. uhh. Not anymore. Cos' I've grown up. HAHA. Sigh, I just woke up. I think I had a dream again. Perhaps cos I was too sleepy. But seriously, I can't recall whats it about. Okay, so I'm going out wif Bern later. Meeting her at 4. Whereas, the boys (nicholas & gang) are at katong. Eew. That's so sick.

yuk.yuk.yuk. I don't know what exactly we are gonna do at tampines. We've got not much money, we've got nothing planned. We can't do anythin. I don't think we can even go into Starbucks to buy a coffee. Well okay, maybe not that bad. .

I didn't wanna wake up just now. I was supposed to go to the gym in the morning. But I didn't make it. If I were to go to the gym & run & EXHAUSTE myself. I would eat. But definitely I have to tone up. But the sight of the gym makes me wanna kill pple. uhhh.

My goal.

2006-11-13T13:49:00.000+08:00

My goal is definitely to slim down by the end of this year.

I dono whats wrong with me. But I suddenly got this crazy idea that drinking & smokin will help me not to put on weight. Of course not beer, it gives you tons of calories!

Recently I have been workin, & got home not until morning or past midnight. I just missed the night life. & started drinking again. Well, it was good I must say. I really enjoyed it. Then it became a habit. And I was drinking for a week straight. Every night I hadta. If not I felt really uncomfortable. And when I was out with the bunch, I didn't cut down on my cigs. It was like free. I used to have them cut down to like, 2 cigs a day. I haven't been running for 2 weeks already. & I think my stamina is horrible now.

Well anyway, lets not talk about that.

Somehow & somewhat. I dono what kinda thing it is. Love, definitely not. Attraction, chemistry. Perhaps. Since when did it start. Well since the time when I saw him in such beautiful clothes. He was absolutely gorgeous & pretty. He cut his hair & dyed it copper brown. I love the way he is. He has got beautiful eyes. That just looks into mine & steals my heart away. He makes me feel better, encourages me. & makes me smile, well, ALOT. He is just , somehow. The perfect guy. He is much more than just cute. He is everythin I could ever ask for. Wait. . is he a guy? Well, I won't bother bout that. To me, he is . A guy. A special one, definitely (:

Whats going on.

2006-11-12T18:45:00.000+08:00

I wonder whats wrong with me today.

I just get pissed easily. I dono whats going on. My mood goes up & down. I feel guilty, I feel bad, I feel so sad. I feel so miserable. I feel all alone. and all I think is myself. What's going on?

I went back to Shine on fri. Dion & I were talkin. Sigh, whatever that happens, I just feel that he will always be there to help me. He is always so firm & strong. Thank Goodness I have such great bookers in my agency. If not, I think I wouldn't be able to carry on.

I've been thinking & thinking. I can't afford to destroy everythin I've got now. Like I said, sacrificing your everythin just for a lil bit of fun isn't really worth it after all. I shouldn't be part of them, I don't wanna be. I cannot get too involved. & we shouldn't get too personal. I have to give up somethings in my life to achieve what I really want. I want it more than anything else. I have to want it, I have to want it really bad.